mannn i think - up until today or yesterday i was just trying to make time go as fast as i
could, like i dreaded each day, i would just watch hella youtube and i didnt know what to do
with time and i was exhausted from being inside all the time all day
i dont know what it was but walking to get tested this afternoon, like just looking at the
grass in front of deering and seeing outside colors pop not on a screen affirmed something
in me. i guess it felt like seeing the world for the first time again haha. like that feeling meant
everything. something started yesterday night , like i finally started to get more motivated to
do things and want to mean it when i work, i started to dream again and really started to like
existing again
i think i got caught up in being very distant ever since fall quarter - i think i felt like i had to
dial myself back for like regular life situations , just the pragmatism of it all. it started with j
school but it poisoned all parts of everyday and i really hope i can be more present than
ever now and just not give a fuck again
like theres a very high chance this is a phase but i trust my judgement and love for things
more than ever now, i trust what i think is incredible or amazing again and thats my
lifeblood, thats where my confidence lies so . and honestly life is a phase anyway so ill see
how long this wave rides!
ive felt like an outsider for as long as i can remember n its definitely damaged a lot about
how i experience things. but i can experience and see things ina more raw and personal
way and i still can get hugely excited about cool shit, stuff that makes me believe in
wonders of the world again -hopefully thatcan get displayed on whatever i make next !